It's April. I'm in love.

It's April. My favorite month of the year. Yey!

The month has just started and I get more and more excited about the list of activities I have lined up for this month. There's my cousin's wedding, the Holy Week trip to Batangas with the fam bam, but the thing I'm most looking forward to is my pre-birthday trip. Finally, I can have an ultimate summer getaway. It's been two years.

As April begins to unfold its surprises, I realized I'm about to turn 28. So many things, happy and heartbreaking ones, have happened that changed me. Some are for the better, some are not.

I maybe disappointed with myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. Somehow, I become a person that's quite far from what I envisioned myself to be, but I can only reflect and stop those things from getting worse.

There are a lot of events that broke my heart and there are some people who have let me down. You know what they say about that? I once read in Pinterest that sometimes you expect more from people because you would be willing to do much for them. But life goes on, right?  These things somehow turned my heart into steel, most of the time blinded with pessimism but I know for a fact that I'm still the girl who loves to laugh. I may have done and felt things I shouldn't but it made me appreciate things people my age sometimes take for granted.

There are still traces of my old self now. I still laugh hard at the silliest things. I am touched by simple gestures. I always need something to keep me sane. My act of love is shown through words that's why I love being reminded that I am appreciated and loved. I enjoy being alone sometimes. But I enjoy it more when I'm around with people who can make me smile.

I may not have everything I want to at this age, far from what I prayed for a decade ago but I know life is full of surprises. I just have to accept the fact that life is not fair but it is a gift.

And whenever this month of the year comes along, I still feel that kind of excitement knowing my birthday is just around the corner. If it's not too much to ask,  I pray dear Lord that for this month I get just plain happy vibes.

After all, it's my month and I'm in love.  

Self-help.

I've been reading a lot of self-help articles the past few days. Aside from the ample of time I have at work (only because it's lean season), this is really one of the things I am fond of. I know this year has been awful and these articles I have chanced upon make me look forward to a better 2014 in three months time. I am freakin' excited to end this year. Excited is actually an understatement.

Well, cliche as it may sound but this year has taught me some of the greatest lessons in my 20-something life. I won't go through it one by one, I don't want to sound like one of those self-help stories I've read in the past weeks and if I mention those lessons here, I would have to cite some unfortunate situations that happened to me, which I'm avoiding only because I would like to forget the pain or whatever negative feeling attached to those events. 

But I have bookmarked some of the articles that made a mark in my heart. And just in case I  get through the same kind of pain or joy or if my issues now will still remain unsettled in the next five years or more (but I really pray that it won't), I can easily go back to reading these ones. 

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/20-things-know-youre-30

http://elitedaily.com/life/accepting-who-you-are-and-learning-to-love-being-alone-are-essential-to-a-happy-life/

No filter.

It has been more than a month since the Great Escape. I thought it would do me good. Well, it has but just momentarily. The happiness I felt during that trip was fleeting. Although I've been wanting it to last as long as it could. For sanity's sake.

And now, I've been wanting to escape again. To go somewhere, a place where I can see life through rose-tinted glasses without anyone's help but mine alone and God. But I am not in it. Far away from it. Some of the people around me might probably think I've been entertaining all the negative vibes I can but I tell you, I never wanted this.

Put yourself in my shoes, go through every bit of the unfortunate events I've gone through. Feel every ounce of  pain and sadness I tried to brush off and then tell me, will you blame me for being in this state I am now in?

It took me a lot of courage to admit this. But I am at my lowest. Again. I've been fighting every urge to wallow in what I am feeling now. I've been struggling every ****ing day to be happy or tell myself that there is something to be happy about.

Well they say that every waking day is a gift itself, something to be thankful for but it seems that it's more of a struggle, a daily battle if I may say. It feels like a tug-of-war kind of thing with myself. I know I should fight this before I totally lose myself in the process of salvaging myself, a rescue and favor I need to do for myself. And not for anyone else.

I don't need anyone's approval of my feelings. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just need people to understand that a weakazoid like me is trying to fight, to smile, to live. Sadly, some may not be fully aware of the special kind of understanding I ask of them (those or that person I count on the most).

Well, life is fun. Not just now. But soon this will all make perfect sense and I will come out stronger than I ever was. Because at the end of the day, being strong is the only choice I have.

Photo credit from Pinterest. 

Very random thoughts.

I dread being alone these days.

It makes me feel how miserable I am feeling lately.

I want to feel happy again.

I miss the sunny attitude I used to have.

But I am happy whenever I laughed so hard at simple jokes.

It’s my way of coping with misery.

I want to wear that happy hat again.

Happiness is a choice they say.

I choose it every single day, how come each day it’s a struggle.

How come everyday I have to work so hard just to feel it?

I dread it when it’s nighttime.

Because each night I literally feel that my heart is breaking into pieces.

How can I say goodbye to misery?

How can I not let my emotions get the better of me?

I want to see the world.

It might change the way I think and feel. 

Get together with the JA peeps. A sweet escape indeed.

Wow, it has been four months since I last wrote something. It has been a tough ride since then. A lot of depressing things happened, my mind had been a constant nest of worries and confusion, and the past six months have been very difficult for our family but as of this writing, I can say that things are slowly going back to normal. So I'm really grateful for that.

Depression and loneliness have also made a comeback in my life. Literally, I felt that my life was falling into pieces. That's how bad I was feeling. And since the year started, I was always looking forward to things that can bring back my sunny attitude. Sadly, nothing worked for me. But God's timing is always right. Just when I thought that every aspect of my life is sucking the happiness out of me, my happy pill (my friends) saves me. 

And now, for the first time this year, I can say that I am feeling better, I am happy. Thanks to my dear friends, happiness is starting to kick in. 

The past two weekends have been a blast. It was a good way to recover from a depressing state. The dinner, videoke night, and talks over coffee reminded me that happiness is just around the corner. Friends can really keep my sanity intact. But two weekends spent with friends/dear HS classmates are far more special if done after almost 10 years. Nakaka-miss maging HS. Sobra sobra. Bentang benta sa akin ang mga stories last Friday night. Lalo na yung 1/4, number one pag Filipino at Kapitan Tuando. Ang pag-figure out kelan kami nag-present ng may Heal The World song bilang si Jamor at Jerico lang ang nakakaalala. At bilang finale group song yun nung videoke night. 

It has been almost a decade since we had a get together. Kung wala pang balikbayan na hindi umuwi for eight years, walang get together na ganito. :))) 

These are just some of the people that made my HS life very, very memorable. But really, I am just thankful that I spent two weekends with these people. Funny stories from HS made the wee hours of the morning more enjoyable. And thanks Jerico for the treat, nagkaroon ng reunion dahil sa pagbalik mo. :D

Well represented ang group na to, may engineers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, writer. Ako lang yata ang tamad. Hahaha. But kidding aside, I am certain that all of us were just so happy to see each other and exchange stories after 10 long years. 

And being with them again I can say that some good things never change. JA rules! :D 

  

A summer-like weather in August.

Two and a half months have passed since the big day. And I am still in euphoria, just reminiscing everything that happened on Aug. 11, 2012. I know God has specially answered my prayers that day, one of which was for Mr. Sun to show himself to us after a week of misfortune because that was the "Habagat Week".

When I look back at the things that happened a few days before that, I knew what I did was the very right thing. That for all the things I have no control of, I just have to "let go and let God" do wonders.

And just when I thought that it would be one gloomy day, God presented His gift to us. At exactly 8 o'clock in the morning, Mr. Sun said hello while I was having my breakfast.  God is really good, I will forever be grateful that He gave us a Summer-like weather last August 11. We may not have done it in the exact date that we wanted, but He has proven to me that He will do wonders if I just believe.

Thanks to the prayers of dear friends and family, Seymond and I may have cried buckets because of weather-related fears but all those vanished into thin air when we saw the sun. We were more than lucky to have that Summer-like weather in one of the most special days in our lives. God knows how I have always wanted a Summer wedding. Maybe because I love the sun, April is my birth month, and that I feel happier when it's Summertime.

And with that said, here's a proof that will forever remind us how God good is. My smile that day was so real, the day I know that the happiness I felt was genuine. And when you feel that a certain kind of happiness really comes from the heart, it will radiate. And I'd like to believe this video says it all.

Click this for the video: PROJECT SEYKI

What's bottled up?

I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I want to 
STARE, SMILE... at you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I long to
TALK, LAUGH... with you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I wish to
HOLD YOUR HAND, FEEL YOUR ARMS, HUG YOU TIGHT.

All these I yearn for but I can only pray that some things can happen...
I just don't know if it's in reality or only in my dream.