What's bottled up?

I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I want to 
STARE, SMILE... at you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I long to
TALK, LAUGH... with you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I wish to
HOLD YOUR HAND, FEEL YOUR ARMS, HUG YOU TIGHT.

All these I yearn for but I can only pray that some things can happen...
I just don't know if it's in reality or only in my dream.

Hangin ng Nakaraan

"Darating ang mga pagkakataon na hindi mo mapipigilan ang pagdating ng hangin ng nakaraan, guguluhin nito ang iyong isipan at ang kasalukuyan. Unti-unti kang mapapaisip sa mga pangarap, katanungan, at mga pagdududa na hindi mo alam kung kailan mabibigyan ng kasagutan.


At 'pag iyong dinama ang hangin na ito, matutukso ka. Tila isang panaginip na ayaw mo nang magising dahil sa mga pagkakataong gaya nun ay nabibigyan ng buhay ang isang pangarap. At darating ang mga segundo, minuto, at oras na maiisipan mong hanapin ang mga sagot sa mga katanungang unti-unting naglulunod sa iyo, ngunit may hahadlang na isang bagay na iyong pinagkaka-ingat-ingatan at ayaw mong pakawalan.


Pag tagal tagal, hindi mo mamamalayan ang papaalis na hangin ng nakaraan...hanggang sa tuluyan na itong mawawala sa iyong isipan. Ngunit mag-iiwan ito ng mga bakas ng pagdududa at ang panibagong sakit dahil sa mga tanong na hindi mo mahahanapan ng kasagutan. "

---Maki
02/28/08

Of feelings and choices.

How I wish it would be easy to just brush off some emotions. 

Why do some feelings, fleeting as it may seem, can't die a natural death? 

Why can't we wake up the following day not knowing we actually grow fond of something. 

How I wish it would be easy to say that it's just ephemeral. 

That everything's just a make-believe, that feeling of becoming a lovesick puppy all over again and that feeling that something in front of your eyes can actually send shivers down your spine.   

Sometimes, things happen that would make us question those that unusually bother us. 

Sometimes, these things let us realize how in touch we really are with our emotions. 

But sometimes, we just can't fool ourselves. 

There are just some feelings we can't totally run away from. 

Yeah, it's true that there are always questions that need to be answered especially when it concerns matters of the heart. 

BUT there are also words that are better left unsaid, given certain circumstances. 

And to convince ourselves of something that we're not even sure of is another issue. 

'Coz the more we deny it, the harder it will persists. 
And we just have to come to terms with it. Sometimes accepting that maybe we only let ourselves be carried away with misleading circumstances can help so we can forget about it in an instant. 

So the question now boils down to being logical. 

We have to guard our emotions and resort to letting some emotions remain unexpressed. But how can you even be logical with feelings? How? 

As they say, we always have an option as HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. 

We either take the risk and lose something to hopefully gain something better or let certain puzzles remain unsolved and BE HAPPY with our decision. 

Missin' my Superman . My Real Emotional Weakness.

This is one of those days that I truly, sorely, badly miss Seymond. Today is his 25th beeday (USA time) and it's just so sad that we're a thousand miles apart, we only resorted to two days of short but sweet online date (with camwhoring in between :P).  It's been exactly three months since he left for Hawaii. The sadness will always be here just like pain, one just learn how to live with it. 

And since it's that time of the month again where hormones seem to get the better of me and unleash my real emotional weakness, the thought of Seymond brings me to tears. I've been wanting a real hug from my Superman. I miss the little things we used to do... the sweet little things he used to do. 


Lately, I have been swamped with work and I sometimes wish that I'd get to see him in the lobby or just outside the building. Of course, it won't happen unless I'm in a dream. I clearly remember those nights when I was still working in an ad agency and he patiently waited for me to get off work, even if it meant waiting for two or three excruciating hours. And never did I hear any complaint from him, he always did greet me with a smile and a stolen kiss and always have something for me to eat. That's how patient and loving he is so I fall even more deeply with this guy.  I'm just grateful that he's mine and forever will be. 

I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel oh so bad. All I know is it's been months since I last felt this weak and all that I need is him to pacify my uber paranoid and chaotic mind. If he's here, just a sight of him will make me feel I can conquer everything, even that to-do list that never seems to end. But he isn't and I can only continue wishing that I'd get a real hug from my Superman, I pray that it's gonna be sooner than I think.

This long distance set-up is a real test of our love and patience but I believe no one or nothing can ever come close to what we share and have.


And yeah, this is for keeps. ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS WILL. 

Wake me up when the drama ends.

Thanks to google for the image. 

A lot has been going on. And when I say a lot, it literally means my mind is so preoccupied to even think about negative things that used to haunt me when I'm faced with this kind of situation.

There were minutes that make me want to scream, minutes when I question, minutes when I just wanna break down. But I don't want my vulnerability get the better of me. I'm learning to take each day one at a time (imagine how difficult this is for me, difficult is actually an understatement), I find comfort in thinking about trite and trivial things that make me happy so pixie dust could work its magic. And yes there is an inner struggle. A struggle that I hope would help me regain the emotional strength I used to have.

And for some days now, I can say I'm thankful that work keeps me busy. Never did I thought that I can find some sort of a therapy at work. It temporarily diverts my attention from the things that would make me wallow in pity.

In times like this, I badly need someone so powerful than my hard-to-pacify-mind to keep me sane.

Random.

When can reality be way so much better than our dreams? 

When that time comes, I won't even want to sleep.

What's on my mind?

Mabuti nang hindi ko pa nahahanap ang trabahong tunay kong gusto, nakita ko naman agad ang tamang lalaki para sa buhay ko.


Ipagpaumanhin ang kaartihan, the thought just suddenly hit me.
I chanced upon one of my tito's favorite quote while browsing his FB page and it says:
"I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I do not love".


Naisip ko tuloy bigla na ang trabaho at pakikipagrelasyon ay magkaparehas sa bagay na to.
If you can't picture yourself growing old with that person, why stay? Why invest?
If you do your work half-heartedly, why let yourself be stuck in doing something you do not love?
Buti na lang, swerte pa din ako :) Sabi nga nila, mas mahirap daw makita ang tamang lalaki para sa yo.

Look What I've Found!

Seymond's looking at my name... *Kilig*

(Taken in Hawaii 4 1/2 years ago ...)

 

In less than three months, gonna say hello to a LDR set-up again. :(((

By then, laptop's not only for FB & twitter. I'll use Sykpe video call more often. I know it's too early to be sad but this is something I must condition my mind for. And I know myself well, have to start this "re-conditioning" as early as possible. 

But for now, save...save...save up for Bora. 

Excitement is slowly creeping in. :D

Note to self:

You don't always owe everyone an explanation.
You don't even have to let others understand. 
Remember that what is important is that you always strive to remain true to yourself because it is in being true to one's feeling that you can actually allow yourself to accept things as they are and move forward. ♥♥♥