No filter.

It has been more than a month since the Great Escape. I thought it would do me good. Well, it has but just momentarily. The happiness I felt during that trip was fleeting. Although I've been wanting it to last as long as it could. For sanity's sake.

And now, I've been wanting to escape again. To go somewhere, a place where I can see life through rose-tinted glasses without anyone's help but mine alone and God. But I am not in it. Far away from it. Some of the people around me might probably think I've been entertaining all the negative vibes I can but I tell you, I never wanted this.

Put yourself in my shoes, go through every bit of the unfortunate events I've gone through. Feel every ounce of  pain and sadness I tried to brush off and then tell me, will you blame me for being in this state I am now in?

It took me a lot of courage to admit this. But I am at my lowest. Again. I've been fighting every urge to wallow in what I am feeling now. I've been struggling every ****ing day to be happy or tell myself that there is something to be happy about.

Well they say that every waking day is a gift itself, something to be thankful for but it seems that it's more of a struggle, a daily battle if I may say. It feels like a tug-of-war kind of thing with myself. I know I should fight this before I totally lose myself in the process of salvaging myself, a rescue and favor I need to do for myself. And not for anyone else.

I don't need anyone's approval of my feelings. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just need people to understand that a weakazoid like me is trying to fight, to smile, to live. Sadly, some may not be fully aware of the special kind of understanding I ask of them (those or that person I count on the most).

Well, life is fun. Not just now. But soon this will all make perfect sense and I will come out stronger than I ever was. Because at the end of the day, being strong is the only choice I have.

Photo credit from Pinterest. 

Very random thoughts.

I dread being alone these days.

It makes me feel how miserable I am feeling lately.

I want to feel happy again.

I miss the sunny attitude I used to have.

But I am happy whenever I laughed so hard at simple jokes.

It’s my way of coping with misery.

I want to wear that happy hat again.

Happiness is a choice they say.

I choose it every single day, how come each day it’s a struggle.

How come everyday I have to work so hard just to feel it?

I dread it when it’s nighttime.

Because each night I literally feel that my heart is breaking into pieces.

How can I say goodbye to misery?

How can I not let my emotions get the better of me?

I want to see the world.

It might change the way I think and feel. 

Get together with the JA peeps. A sweet escape indeed.

Wow, it has been four months since I last wrote something. It has been a tough ride since then. A lot of depressing things happened, my mind had been a constant nest of worries and confusion, and the past six months have been very difficult for our family but as of this writing, I can say that things are slowly going back to normal. So I'm really grateful for that.

Depression and loneliness have also made a comeback in my life. Literally, I felt that my life was falling into pieces. That's how bad I was feeling. And since the year started, I was always looking forward to things that can bring back my sunny attitude. Sadly, nothing worked for me. But God's timing is always right. Just when I thought that every aspect of my life is sucking the happiness out of me, my happy pill (my friends) saves me. 

And now, for the first time this year, I can say that I am feeling better, I am happy. Thanks to my dear friends, happiness is starting to kick in. 

The past two weekends have been a blast. It was a good way to recover from a depressing state. The dinner, videoke night, and talks over coffee reminded me that happiness is just around the corner. Friends can really keep my sanity intact. But two weekends spent with friends/dear HS classmates are far more special if done after almost 10 years. Nakaka-miss maging HS. Sobra sobra. Bentang benta sa akin ang mga stories last Friday night. Lalo na yung 1/4, number one pag Filipino at Kapitan Tuando. Ang pag-figure out kelan kami nag-present ng may Heal The World song bilang si Jamor at Jerico lang ang nakakaalala. At bilang finale group song yun nung videoke night. 

It has been almost a decade since we had a get together. Kung wala pang balikbayan na hindi umuwi for eight years, walang get together na ganito. :))) 

These are just some of the people that made my HS life very, very memorable. But really, I am just thankful that I spent two weekends with these people. Funny stories from HS made the wee hours of the morning more enjoyable. And thanks Jerico for the treat, nagkaroon ng reunion dahil sa pagbalik mo. :D

Well represented ang group na to, may engineers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, writer. Ako lang yata ang tamad. Hahaha. But kidding aside, I am certain that all of us were just so happy to see each other and exchange stories after 10 long years. 

And being with them again I can say that some good things never change. JA rules! :D 

  

A summer-like weather in August.

Two and a half months have passed since the big day. And I am still in euphoria, just reminiscing everything that happened on Aug. 11, 2012. I know God has specially answered my prayers that day, one of which was for Mr. Sun to show himself to us after a week of misfortune because that was the "Habagat Week".

When I look back at the things that happened a few days before that, I knew what I did was the very right thing. That for all the things I have no control of, I just have to "let go and let God" do wonders.

And just when I thought that it would be one gloomy day, God presented His gift to us. At exactly 8 o'clock in the morning, Mr. Sun said hello while I was having my breakfast.  God is really good, I will forever be grateful that He gave us a Summer-like weather last August 11. We may not have done it in the exact date that we wanted, but He has proven to me that He will do wonders if I just believe.

Thanks to the prayers of dear friends and family, Seymond and I may have cried buckets because of weather-related fears but all those vanished into thin air when we saw the sun. We were more than lucky to have that Summer-like weather in one of the most special days in our lives. God knows how I have always wanted a Summer wedding. Maybe because I love the sun, April is my birth month, and that I feel happier when it's Summertime.

And with that said, here's a proof that will forever remind us how God good is. My smile that day was so real, the day I know that the happiness I felt was genuine. And when you feel that a certain kind of happiness really comes from the heart, it will radiate. And I'd like to believe this video says it all.

Click this for the video: PROJECT SEYKI

What's bottled up?

I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I want to 
STARE, SMILE... at you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I long to
TALK, LAUGH... with you.


I rarely see you but when I do, you don't have any idea how much I wish to
HOLD YOUR HAND, FEEL YOUR ARMS, HUG YOU TIGHT.

All these I yearn for but I can only pray that some things can happen...
I just don't know if it's in reality or only in my dream.

Hangin ng Nakaraan

"Darating ang mga pagkakataon na hindi mo mapipigilan ang pagdating ng hangin ng nakaraan, guguluhin nito ang iyong isipan at ang kasalukuyan. Unti-unti kang mapapaisip sa mga pangarap, katanungan, at mga pagdududa na hindi mo alam kung kailan mabibigyan ng kasagutan.


At 'pag iyong dinama ang hangin na ito, matutukso ka. Tila isang panaginip na ayaw mo nang magising dahil sa mga pagkakataong gaya nun ay nabibigyan ng buhay ang isang pangarap. At darating ang mga segundo, minuto, at oras na maiisipan mong hanapin ang mga sagot sa mga katanungang unti-unting naglulunod sa iyo, ngunit may hahadlang na isang bagay na iyong pinagkaka-ingat-ingatan at ayaw mong pakawalan.


Pag tagal tagal, hindi mo mamamalayan ang papaalis na hangin ng nakaraan...hanggang sa tuluyan na itong mawawala sa iyong isipan. Ngunit mag-iiwan ito ng mga bakas ng pagdududa at ang panibagong sakit dahil sa mga tanong na hindi mo mahahanapan ng kasagutan. "

---Maki
02/28/08

Of feelings and choices.

How I wish it would be easy to just brush off some emotions. 

Why do some feelings, fleeting as it may seem, can't die a natural death? 

Why can't we wake up the following day not knowing we actually grow fond of something. 

How I wish it would be easy to say that it's just ephemeral. 

That everything's just a make-believe, that feeling of becoming a lovesick puppy all over again and that feeling that something in front of your eyes can actually send shivers down your spine.   

Sometimes, things happen that would make us question those that unusually bother us. 

Sometimes, these things let us realize how in touch we really are with our emotions. 

But sometimes, we just can't fool ourselves. 

There are just some feelings we can't totally run away from. 

Yeah, it's true that there are always questions that need to be answered especially when it concerns matters of the heart. 

BUT there are also words that are better left unsaid, given certain circumstances. 

And to convince ourselves of something that we're not even sure of is another issue. 

'Coz the more we deny it, the harder it will persists. 
And we just have to come to terms with it. Sometimes accepting that maybe we only let ourselves be carried away with misleading circumstances can help so we can forget about it in an instant. 

So the question now boils down to being logical. 

We have to guard our emotions and resort to letting some emotions remain unexpressed. But how can you even be logical with feelings? How? 

As they say, we always have an option as HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. 

We either take the risk and lose something to hopefully gain something better or let certain puzzles remain unsolved and BE HAPPY with our decision.